Hesitation [6/30]

Physically
I was available
Emotions on high
I was mentally disposed
To love all of you
Gave you the spare key
to my ideology on feelings
Stopped time to allow
You to survey my dimensions
Extract my inhibitions
Excavate my mental
And just be you
And I
me

But you hesitated
And deliberation and
second guessing
allowed time to
resurrect its routine and
I heard myself
clearly stating inwardly
I can take care of me
I can go back
to just loving me
the words snatching up
your trail of crumbs
left behind to return
back to me and
I’ll admit we share
enjoyable memories
a list of firsts
disclosures at dusk
time spent exploring
each childhood scar
with our fingers and
an exchange of stimuli
that consistently
elevated my thinking

But you hesitated
And the pause rendered
surroundings that
are now uncertain
and the compass
I presented to you
now supplies
indifferent directions
marking you a wanderer
wondering where is she
where’s the rest of me
never stopping to realize
that was just one key
to my entire being and
the other I’ve returned
to it’s hiding place
tucked it away safely
from all feelings and
I wanted to love you
I did
I wanted to love all of you
But the voices of discernment
Began to gnaw at me and
saying hush no longer
silenced them
so I challenged them

But you hesitated
Arching one eyebrow
and squinting the other
The question seemed
to be simple to me
an ambush to you
“What am I - to you?”
And right then I knew
But I engaged and
I pressed and
Your eyes spoke
a contradiction
that your lips
couldn’t amount to
but you tried anyway
Entering the line of fire
with inadequate counsel
fumbling for the right words
what sounds good
what you thought
I needed to hear
eyes locked to the
hardwood floors
trying to retrieve
what you could
and as if you spotted it
run under the edge of the bed
we just arose from
laid cradled in
I studied your face
mentally reaching and
clenching something
in your teeth and alas
the words fell from your lips
“I’m ready"

But you hesitated
And the door closed
Just before your words
Touched my ears and
I wanted to love you
I did
I wanted to love all of you
But I fear I no longer hear you
And the fact that it now comes easy
For you to say
you’re mentally disposed
to love all of me
Doesn’t really persuade me
So now I hesitate and
Find myself placing conditions
On loving unconditionally
Which before this
duel of confessions began
was the one gift I saved
for you from me

© Erika Gresham 12/23/09

Misplaced Love

I’m standing here
straining to hear the wind
as it rushes from your parched lips
the lifeless I will always love you's
And something about me never trusting you
and as my mind somersaults over flashbacks
of this unrehearsed yet flawless waltz we’re moving to
and the serenade of violins with broken strings to dance to
I only ask that you give me my time to speak

My time to refresh your broken flawed memory
and without words allow me to lie pressed against your back
so that you may feel my heart as it melts into your skin
transmitting those things you seem to have forgotten
but I still carry without intention deep within
not just some of it but all of it
because you seemed to have misplaced my loving you

A time that by you has been wiped away
like the wind stretching its hand across the sky’s canvas
wiping away at my love, lust, admiration, and passion
and I get that you don’t want to be left with the remnants
of a lover's pain on your conscience
knowing that it was I who truly gave you love's devotion
but I will not allow you the freedom from that daily struggle
because I want you no I need you to remember me

For I know that I was the epitome of heaven
on earth as you had all of me
so let me correct this obvious misunderstanding
that you loved more than me
because in fact I gave you all 5’2” of me
and not just everything between my heart and my knees
but I granted you dominion over my everything

So permit me the chance to give my testimony
of how I prayed to God that you would always love me
and how I thought marrying you edified me
and that He would bless the seeds you placed within me
offering my body to become the resting place for your legacy
allowing your nameplate to be pressed throughout history
that my hands be used to bring pleasure to thee
caressing your face, your back, and other things
that my food would not only nourish but enlighten thee
and that resting your head between my legs
well that that was a delicacy
that you yourself got on your knees and praised daily

So let’s not act as if we only had a chance encounter
a passing of time
because it doesn’t match your words now
you can’t say I will always love you
and look for a way out
it’s contradictory
you can’t say that I am like your hummingbird
and close the window on my singing
nor be thankful for the sun
but never open your eyes for seeing
shouting out your prayers
but not truly ever believing
that we would transcend this world
admonishing times restrictions on our thinking
loving without destinations or scenery
because our only argument would be
that you loved more than me

And I now face the revelation
that you were not blessed with the capacity
to love anyone naturally
because the clashing of your ego
against your manhood is what has brought
us to this spiritless assembly
and in fact I now pity you
for this is not the man I so desperately
wanted to remain connected to in this life
and the one we were to come back to

So without sympathy I mourn the passing
of what resembled love for you
and your zombie-like existence
for being wrapped in a cloak of darkness
never being able to feel the
passion of love’s divineness
Not loving me the way you should have

This cannot be the life that you envisioned
but I will leave you with the fallacy
that you will always love me
even though you don’t know what it feels like
and even though I know that you never loved
more than me

© 2009 Erika G.

Not Your Platform

I will not be your platform

love unreciprocated

always offering a listening ear

a shoulder to lean on

a word of inspiration

favors rarely ever returned

as emotions fill the room

leaving me with feelings of confusion

to hang in the rafters

all simply because

you are going through again....

I will not be your platform

you will not burden me

weigh me down

wiggling your way back

into the recesses of my mind

infiltrating my thoughts

penetrating my heart

scratching up my rotation

leaving gaps in my flow

creating a repetitive rhythm

that attempts to drives me insane

all because you think you got it together again....

I will not be your platform

for you to perform a tap dance on

like a I'm the latest showtune on Broadway

or offer me illusions like David Blaine on a neighborhood street corner in the Bronx

often mystical, never seen before

levitations of reality

floating on love's misery

with a slight of hand ruining my future

You see, this game that you normally run on me

use to be seen through impaired eyes

unable to conceptualize

how I got here and why

later only to cry myself to sleep at

torn to pieces inside 

because you wanted to try us again.......

I will not be your platform

for your tricked out lines

to practice daredevil stunts

pumped by selfish adrenaline

revving my emotions

drag racing over my heart

because you now believe

you are ready to love me

unconditionally

chanting that

"we can conquer the world together baby" melody

that I’ve heard somewhere before

because it’s really your usual number

with a slightly new title and tune

but the message is exactly the same

because bottom line

some shit just won't ever change

No, baby I will not be your platform

because I have my own agenda

I’ve written my own screenplay

I plan to make my own waves

I plan to have my own say

I plan to do my own thang

I plan to toss that old reality

and walk into my original destiny

I plan to love unconditionally

I plan to enjoy love’s reciprocity

I plan to do those things you wouldn’t

I plan to take those roads you couldn’t

I plan to climb those mountains we dreamed of

I plan to cross those valleys we spoke of

and I apologize if you thought

there was an open door policy

because no,

you sir are not written

into this chapter of my life

so could you please be ohh so kind 

and get ya ass off my stage

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