Hesitation [6/30]

Physically
I was available
Emotions on high
I was mentally disposed
To love all of you
Gave you the spare key
to my ideology on feelings
Stopped time to allow
You to survey my dimensions
Extract my inhibitions
Excavate my mental
And just be you
And I
me

But you hesitated
And deliberation and
second guessing
allowed time to
resurrect its routine and
I heard myself
clearly stating inwardly
I can take care of me
I can go back
to just loving me
the words snatching up
your trail of crumbs
left behind to return
back to me and
I’ll admit we share
enjoyable memories
a list of firsts
disclosures at dusk
time spent exploring
each childhood scar
with our fingers and
an exchange of stimuli
that consistently
elevated my thinking

But you hesitated
And the pause rendered
surroundings that
are now uncertain
and the compass
I presented to you
now supplies
indifferent directions
marking you a wanderer
wondering where is she
where’s the rest of me
never stopping to realize
that was just one key
to my entire being and
the other I’ve returned
to it’s hiding place
tucked it away safely
from all feelings and
I wanted to love you
I did
I wanted to love all of you
But the voices of discernment
Began to gnaw at me and
saying hush no longer
silenced them
so I challenged them

But you hesitated
Arching one eyebrow
and squinting the other
The question seemed
to be simple to me
an ambush to you
“What am I - to you?”
And right then I knew
But I engaged and
I pressed and
Your eyes spoke
a contradiction
that your lips
couldn’t amount to
but you tried anyway
Entering the line of fire
with inadequate counsel
fumbling for the right words
what sounds good
what you thought
I needed to hear
eyes locked to the
hardwood floors
trying to retrieve
what you could
and as if you spotted it
run under the edge of the bed
we just arose from
laid cradled in
I studied your face
mentally reaching and
clenching something
in your teeth and alas
the words fell from your lips
“I’m ready"

But you hesitated
And the door closed
Just before your words
Touched my ears and
I wanted to love you
I did
I wanted to love all of you
But I fear I no longer hear you
And the fact that it now comes easy
For you to say
you’re mentally disposed
to love all of me
Doesn’t really persuade me
So now I hesitate and
Find myself placing conditions
On loving unconditionally
Which before this
duel of confessions began
was the one gift I saved
for you from me

© Erika Gresham 12/23/09

Misplaced Love

I’m standing here
straining to hear the wind
as it rushes from your parched lips
the lifeless I will always love you's
And something about me never trusting you
and as my mind somersaults over flashbacks
of this unrehearsed yet flawless waltz we’re moving to
and the serenade of violins with broken strings to dance to
I only ask that you give me my time to speak

My time to refresh your broken flawed memory
and without words allow me to lie pressed against your back
so that you may feel my heart as it melts into your skin
transmitting those things you seem to have forgotten
but I still carry without intention deep within
not just some of it but all of it
because you seemed to have misplaced my loving you

A time that by you has been wiped away
like the wind stretching its hand across the sky’s canvas
wiping away at my love, lust, admiration, and passion
and I get that you don’t want to be left with the remnants
of a lover's pain on your conscience
knowing that it was I who truly gave you love's devotion
but I will not allow you the freedom from that daily struggle
because I want you no I need you to remember me

For I know that I was the epitome of heaven
on earth as you had all of me
so let me correct this obvious misunderstanding
that you loved more than me
because in fact I gave you all 5’2” of me
and not just everything between my heart and my knees
but I granted you dominion over my everything

So permit me the chance to give my testimony
of how I prayed to God that you would always love me
and how I thought marrying you edified me
and that He would bless the seeds you placed within me
offering my body to become the resting place for your legacy
allowing your nameplate to be pressed throughout history
that my hands be used to bring pleasure to thee
caressing your face, your back, and other things
that my food would not only nourish but enlighten thee
and that resting your head between my legs
well that that was a delicacy
that you yourself got on your knees and praised daily

So let’s not act as if we only had a chance encounter
a passing of time
because it doesn’t match your words now
you can’t say I will always love you
and look for a way out
it’s contradictory
you can’t say that I am like your hummingbird
and close the window on my singing
nor be thankful for the sun
but never open your eyes for seeing
shouting out your prayers
but not truly ever believing
that we would transcend this world
admonishing times restrictions on our thinking
loving without destinations or scenery
because our only argument would be
that you loved more than me

And I now face the revelation
that you were not blessed with the capacity
to love anyone naturally
because the clashing of your ego
against your manhood is what has brought
us to this spiritless assembly
and in fact I now pity you
for this is not the man I so desperately
wanted to remain connected to in this life
and the one we were to come back to

So without sympathy I mourn the passing
of what resembled love for you
and your zombie-like existence
for being wrapped in a cloak of darkness
never being able to feel the
passion of love’s divineness
Not loving me the way you should have

This cannot be the life that you envisioned
but I will leave you with the fallacy
that you will always love me
even though you don’t know what it feels like
and even though I know that you never loved
more than me

© 2009 Erika G.

Destiny's Command

My thoughts are of lovemaking,
slow motion and sensual
Overlooking the earth and its moon,
views that are multidimensional
Far above the summits our spirits travel
to a serene destination
summoned to join in a sensual dance
of heavenly jubilation
Your groans and my moans,
the angels attempt to mimic the sounds
Your voice and my voice,
between us an unknown language expounds
On this enticing revelation
our bodies have stumbled upon
A mind altering experience
divine intensity spawns
A legion of titillating visions
lust-filled creations
Filled with exuberance
brimming with anticipation
Few words can be uttered
to make the world understand
our uninhibited pleasure
is destiny’s command

© 2006 Erika. G

An Old Love

As I sit in the window

Staring out into the night

I think of you

I think about the way your words

glide off of your tongue

dripping like honey

drenching my soul with

the sweetness of you

bathing me in you

And how your voice

Deep with bravado

Serenades me

Soothing my soul

I truly do miss you

I miss your arms holding me

So tightly

Cradling me

As if I were being held for the first time

And song to by a new mother to her first born

And although I know I’m not your first

You caused me to feel like I am your only

The only one you’ve ever touched like this

The only one you’ve ever held like this

The only one you ever loved like this

I think about the way you touch me

Lightly in the small of my back

And how that one touch says so many words

I want to protect you

I want to caress you

I want to show you so much more

I want to love you

And with those words

From the tips of your fingers

I am overjoyed

For I too want to and do love you.............

Erika G. © 2008

Sometimes....

 

Sometimes I wish I could  

Wash away the memories  

of the ill effects of love  

Ransacking its contents  

only wanting to recover  

and set aside the good to savor

while tearing apart and discarding the bad  

Sometimes I wish I could  

Silence the sad notes in a love song

Only allowing the sweet melody 

of unyielding devotion to filter through  

Cherishing the gift of love’s past promises coming to fruition

Sometimes I wish I could  

Edit the sentimental moments in a romance novel  

that cause sadness and despair only publishing the conversations of lovers  

laying in bed sharing their hopes and dreams  

and wishing that each of them have a place in the other’s future  

As she lay on his chest allowing his 

heartbeat to lull her to sleep  

her only disappointment is the thought of the rest of the world interrupting their time together 

as they rise to face the next day  

Sometimes I wish we could just stay right there……  

There in the horizon where night meets a new day When there are no worries,  

no arguments,  

no resentment,  

no pain,  

no yelling,  

no crying,  

no misunderstandings  

When there is no need to make up or try to think of what to say  

Sometimes I wish I could just sit and only think about love’s goodness  

Erika G. © 10/19/2008

My Tears Are Bittersweet

What do tears taste like?
A question presented that now I ponder
can it actually be defined?
I wonder
is there another response
not resembling the salt of the ocean’s water?
or through nightly studies of my own tastings
will I ever be supplied with a definitive answer?
For I realize though
we may discover some similarities
your perception may not be likened to my reality
and to this we will probably disagree
but be mindful
even twin flames destined
to live happily ever after
are given conditional guarantees
So I doubt that your tears taste like mine
Nor mine like yours
for you may have tears of honey
all that is good and pleasing to savor
but mine
my tears are both bitter and sweet
containing the aftertaste of love
as uncertainties above my head loom
a mixture of emotions
that on the tip of my tongue
have left questions heightened
by my own delectable senses
of what it is that I have actually consumed
So my tears
are bittersweet
 
 
What do tears taste like?
Sometimes my tears taste like
memories of two that were blessed
united as one
producing an intoxicating feeling
like the finest of liquors
for our love was suppose to conquer all
no time for anger or sadness
crossing over obstacles hand in hand
vowing a promise to always be
and like Lauryn and D’Angelo
"Nothing else really mattered"
but we learned that
it did
because around my feet lay
the pieces of our hopes and dreams shattered
like a vintage mirror that lay in disarray
damn near impossible to replace
and so the sweet became bitter
and memories were hard to remember
made hazy by shadows of doubt and fear
that maybe we were to never have been here
trying to take matters into our own hands
never stopping to consider where we were going
or how this may all eventually end
only knowing that he loved me more than any other man
and I loved him beyond what I myself could comprehend
So my tears
are bittersweet
 
 
What do tears taste like?
Sometimes my tears taste like
the first time we met
the warmth of that first smile
and ease of our first conversation
his silliness and confidence
that was neither cocky nor arrogant
but quickly garnered my attention
just a man being what a man should be
for we both had high hopes and ambitions
a person to whom I could simply relate
exchange thoughts, share doctrines and appreciate
and one day something happened to me inside
that I had never experienced in this here life
it was during one of our first few times together
I found myself envisioning the words "I do"
and becoming this man’s wife forever
and I did
kind of
of course now I only see him in my dreams
and I awake thinking about his embrace
the way he kissed my neck as he held onto me
visions I have tried unsuccessfully to erase
I sit remembering now what I couldn’t then
as things changed and our laughter was hushed
by silence that spoke so loudly that noone could hear
or feel hearts being torn apart as hours faded into days
and days introduced themselves to weeks of monotony
living in a state of denial and routine pleasantries
dismissing that nothing was truly wrong
or just deciding maybe its me
but just as a wound left unclean becomes infected
lack of hope
or was it lack of faith
or was it just lack of-
left us both feeling neglected
So my tears
are bittersweet
 
What do tears taste like?
My tears taste like
memories of what could have been
watching our boys as they become men
and visions of our love forming a healthy baby girl
watching her grow into a beautiful young lady
something which we never quite created
and with the sweetness of berries
and the bitterness of a plum that
has yet to ripen
I am left
with a mixture of good and bad
some happy
others sad
tears that are at times pleasant and sour
like a pasture covered with wild flowers
something that I would not partake
so an assumption for anyone else
I am not qualified to make
but I have tasted my own tears
and they are both
bitter and sweet

Erika G. © 11/2006