Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Hesitation [6/30]

I was available
Emotions on high
I was mentally disposed
To love all of you
Gave you the spare key
to my ideology on feelings
Stopped time to allow
You to survey my dimensions
Extract my inhibitions
Excavate my mental
And just be you
And I

But you hesitated
And deliberation and
second guessing
allowed time to
resurrect its routine and
I heard myself
clearly stating inwardly
I can take care of me
I can go back
to just loving me
the words snatching up
your trail of crumbs
left behind to return
back to me and
I’ll admit we share
enjoyable memories
a list of firsts
disclosures at dusk
time spent exploring
each childhood scar
with our fingers and
an exchange of stimuli
that consistently
elevated my thinking

But you hesitated
And the pause rendered
surroundings that
are now uncertain
and the compass
I presented to you
now supplies
indifferent directions
marking you a wanderer
wondering where is she
where’s the rest of me
never stopping to realize
that was just one key
to my entire being and
the other I’ve returned
to it’s hiding place
tucked it away safely
from all feelings and
I wanted to love you
I did
I wanted to love all of you
But the voices of discernment
Began to gnaw at me and
saying hush no longer
silenced them
so I challenged them

But you hesitated
Arching one eyebrow
and squinting the other
The question seemed
to be simple to me
an ambush to you
“What am I - to you?”
And right then I knew
But I engaged and
I pressed and
Your eyes spoke
a contradiction
that your lips
couldn’t amount to
but you tried anyway
Entering the line of fire
with inadequate counsel
fumbling for the right words
what sounds good
what you thought
I needed to hear
eyes locked to the
hardwood floors
trying to retrieve
what you could
and as if you spotted it
run under the edge of the bed
we just arose from
laid cradled in
I studied your face
mentally reaching and
clenching something
in your teeth and alas
the words fell from your lips
“I’m ready"

But you hesitated
And the door closed
Just before your words
Touched my ears and
I wanted to love you
I did
I wanted to love all of you
But I fear I no longer hear you
And the fact that it now comes easy
For you to say
you’re mentally disposed
to love all of me
Doesn’t really persuade me
So now I hesitate and
Find myself placing conditions
On loving unconditionally
Which before this
duel of confessions began
was the one gift I saved
for you from me

© Erika Gresham 12/23/09

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